Sat in for Andrew Babicz this week in order to provide my own brand of gardening advice. I shall reproduce these tips for you here in case you missed the show – you’re welcome.
* When digging in the garden, a spade will get the job done faster than a spoon.
* If you have problems with neighbourhood cats defecating in your flowerbeds, you should hire someone to patrol your garden 24 hours a day. Just make sure you provide them with a tent and access to your bathroom.
* Plants should be given water on a regular basis. Energy drinks, petrol and Tizer are not suitable, although holy water may be used if in plentiful supply.
* Pruning should be undertaken with the correct tools, such as pruners or shears. Samurai swords and lightsabers can also get the job done, but may turn a pleasurable pastime into something unnecessarily dangerous.
* Magic beans should be planted at least 20 metres away from the house. This will prevent root damage to the foundations of your home, while remaining close enough to hide from angry giants.
* Silver bells, cockle shells and pretty maids all in a row may be aesthetically pleasing but won’t make your turnips grow any faster.
* If you’re having trouble with a patchy lawn, you should consider alternatives, such as laying a thick green carpet, spray painting bare soil green or removing all the remaining grass and if anyone notices claim that someone has stolen your lawn and ask them to inform the police.
* Tulips, lillies and roses are suitable types of flower to request at a garden centre. Asking for self-raising or organic wholemeal may result in ridicule.
* Wellington boots and thick gloves are excellent attire when tending to your garden, but will not guarantee you entry to many nightclubs in the local area, even if they are cleaned thoroughly.
* Some studies have suggested that talking or singing to your plants can encourage growth, although I can exclusively reveal that reciting verses from NWA’s classic gangsta rap album Straight Outta Compton has yet to yield any noticable results.
* Like most people, I don’t enjoy mowing the lawn. However, I should point out that using a combine harvester may certainly get the job done faster but has proved somewhat expensive. Not to mention the hire of a 200 foot crane to lower it into my garden.
* Standing on a rake may provide a moment of comedy gold for onlookers, but it’s actually very painful and upsetting, especially if your wife cannot stop laughing at your bumbling misfortune.
* Spare daffodil bulbs can be used to replace light bulbs around the home, provided you own a pair of night vision goggles or like to go to bed very early.
* Weed killer should be used sparingly and, if possible, use a brand that doesn’t contain chemicals that are harmful to the environment. You should also avoid using explosives or nuclear waste for similar reasons.
* When tending to plants and vegetables in your greenhouse, it is obvious that you should refrain from throwing stones. But also remember that golf, archery and elephant training are also activities that you shouldn’t undertake in a greenhouse.
Normal service will be resumed next week when Andrew returns.