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Happy Christmas to all our readers Time to say a very happy Christmas to all my readers.. and rather then boring you stiff with my boasting how good Phoenix Reports is... I thought I'd tell you about a little seasional job I once had...
For a couple of years I got to be an in-store Santa in a large Basildon centre store.. You know sitting in my little grotto with only an elf (normally a girl off the check out counter) for company asking my young visitors if they had been good and if so what did they want for Christmas. I got the impression that these kids were wise beyond their years. Off course they did not believe in Santa. Come on, your just a fat block with a false beard and read suit. But really they only came along because their parents were convinced Santa really did come from the North Pole.
Mind you I have a routine I followed. I’d got hold of a large ancient dusty leather bound book which when the child approached I’d open and leaf though having asked if they had been a good boy of girl. Always the answer was ‘yes’, but then I’d say. “Now according to my book of words – some of them very long indeed – I can see that you upset your mum by not wanting to go to bed early last month.” At this child looks down at feet and mum has a very big grin.. But slamming the book closed I’d then cry – “Never mind, just so long as you don’t upset mum again. Now what do you want.” This would open the flood gates, as both Santa and the child were firm friends.
Mind you I did get one cretin. No he did not believe in Santa, and anyway he’d seen me ten miles away in Southend only that morning so how could I be in two places at once?
Very simple I told him – a trick of the trade. “You’ve heard of the time dilation theory” I asked him. Of course he had, he said. Have to be honest here – it was more then I did, but how was he to know. Well I continued, “whilst for you almost four to five hours might have elapsed. For me in my time dilation state, it’s only been a few minutes… That’s why the reindeer and I can visit every child in the world in one night. You see for you it’s only a night. But for me and the reindeer that night in your time is almost seven months to us. Small wonder we need a holiday after all that flying around. So now you know why we need those Mince pies for the Reindeer and that glass of whisky for me.” Exit crestfallen smart 10 year old boy and exit one very happy Mum, pleased I’d got one over on her know-it-all child.
Oh and one final story of doing time as an in-store Santa. I’d gone though my routine and just for a laugh asked the Childs mother, “and what does mum want Santa to bring you.” She in return looked me straight in the eye and with a smile said “a Man”
For a couple of years I got to be an in-store Santa in a large Basildon centre store.. You know sitting in my little grotto with only an elf (normally a girl off the check out counter) for company asking my young visitors if they had been good and if so what did they want for Christmas. I got the impression that these kids were wise beyond their years. Off course they did not believe in Santa. Come on, your just a fat block with a false beard and read suit. But really they only came along because their parents were convinced Santa really did come from the North Pole.
Mind you I have a routine I followed. I’d got hold of a large ancient dusty leather bound book which when the child approached I’d open and leaf though having asked if they had been a good boy of girl. Always the answer was ‘yes’, but then I’d say. “Now according to my book of words – some of them very long indeed – I can see that you upset your mum by not wanting to go to bed early last month.” At this child looks down at feet and mum has a very big grin.. But slamming the book closed I’d then cry – “Never mind, just so long as you don’t upset mum again. Now what do you want.” This would open the flood gates, as both Santa and the child were firm friends.
Mind you I did get one cretin. No he did not believe in Santa, and anyway he’d seen me ten miles away in Southend only that morning so how could I be in two places at once?
Very simple I told him – a trick of the trade. “You’ve heard of the time dilation theory” I asked him. Of course he had, he said. Have to be honest here – it was more then I did, but how was he to know. Well I continued, “whilst for you almost four to five hours might have elapsed. For me in my time dilation state, it’s only been a few minutes… That’s why the reindeer and I can visit every child in the world in one night. You see for you it’s only a night. But for me and the reindeer that night in your time is almost seven months to us. Small wonder we need a holiday after all that flying around. So now you know why we need those Mince pies for the Reindeer and that glass of whisky for me.” Exit crestfallen smart 10 year old boy and exit one very happy Mum, pleased I’d got one over on her know-it-all child.
Oh and one final story of doing time as an in-store Santa. I’d gone though my routine and just for a laugh asked the Childs mother, “and what does mum want Santa to bring you.” She in return looked me straight in the eye and with a smile said “a Man”
For a couple of years I got to be an in-store Santa in a large Basildon centre store.. You know sitting in my little grotto with only an elf (normally a girl off the check out counter) for company asking my young visitors if they had been good and if so what did they want for Christmas. I got the impression that these kids were wise beyond their years. Off course they did not believe in Santa. Come on, your just a fat block with a false beard and read suit. But really they only came along because their parents were convinced Santa really did come from the North Pole.
Mind you I have a routine I followed. I’d got hold of a large ancient dusty leather bound book which when the child approached I’d open and leaf though having asked if they had been a good boy of girl. Always the answer was ‘yes’, but then I’d say. “Now according to my book of words – some of them very long indeed – I can see that you upset your mum by not wanting to go to bed early last month.” At this child looks down at feet and mum has a very big grin.. But slamming the book closed I’d then cry – “Never mind, just so long as you don’t upset mum again. Now what do you want.” This would open the flood gates, as both Santa and the child were firm friends.
Mind you I did get one cretin. No he did not believe in Santa, and anyway he’d seen me ten miles away in Southend only that morning so how could I be in two places at once?
Very simple I told him – a trick of the trade. “You’ve heard of the time dilation theory” I asked him. Of course he had, he said. Have to be honest here – it was more then I did, but how was he to know. Well I continued, “whilst for you almost four to five hours might have elapsed. For me in my time dilation state, it’s only been a few minutes… That’s why the reindeer and I can visit every child in the world in one night. You see for you it’s only a night. But for me and the reindeer that night in your time is almost seven months to us. Small wonder we need a holiday after all that flying around. So now you know why we need those Mince pies for the Reindeer and that glass of whisky for me.” Exit crestfallen smart 10 year old boy and exit one very happy Mum, pleased I’d got one over on her know-it-all child.
Oh and one final story of doing time as an in-store Santa. I’d gone though my routine and just for a laugh asked the Childs mother, “and what does mum want Santa to bring you.” She in return looked me straight in the eye and with a smile said “a Man”
For a couple of years I got to be an in-store Santa in a large Basildon centre store.. You know sitting in my little grotto with only an elf (normally a girl off the check out counter) for company asking my young visitors if they had been good and if so what did they want for Christmas. I got the impression that these kids were wise beyond their years. Off course they did not believe in Santa. Come on, your just a fat block with a false beard and read suit. But really they only came along because their parents were convinced Santa really did come from the North Pole.
Mind you I have a routine I followed. I’d got hold of a large ancient dusty leather bound book which when the child approached I’d open and leaf though having asked if they had been a good boy of girl. Always the answer was ‘yes’, but then I’d say. “Now according to my book of words – some of them very long indeed – I can see that you upset your mum by not wanting to go to bed early last month.” At this child looks down at feet and mum has a very big grin.. But slamming the book closed I’d then cry – “Never mind, just so long as you don’t upset mum again. Now what do you want.” This would open the flood gates, as both Santa and the child were firm friends.
Mind you I did get one cretin. No he did not believe in Santa, and anyway he’d seen me ten miles away in Southend only that morning so how could I be in two places at once?
Very simple I told him – a trick of the trade. “You’ve heard of the time dilation theory” I asked him. Of course he had, he said. Have to be honest here – it was more then I did, but how was he to know. Well I continued, “whilst for you almost four to five hours might have elapsed. For me in my time dilation state, it’s only been a few minutes… That’s why the reindeer and I can visit every child in the world in one night. You see for you it’s only a night. But for me and the reindeer that night in your time is almost seven months to us. Small wonder we need a holiday after all that flying around. So now you know why we need those Mince pies for the Reindeer and that glass of whisky for me.” Exit crestfallen smart 10 year old boy and exit one very happy Mum, pleased I’d got one over on her know-it-all child.
Oh and one final story of doing time as an in-store Santa. I’d gone though my routine and just for a laugh asked the Childs mother, “and what does mum want Santa to bring you.” She in return looked me straight in the eye and with a smile said “a Man”
For a couple of years I got to be an in-store Santa in a large Basildon centre store.. You know sitting in my little grotto with only an elf (normally a girl off the check out counter) for company asking my young visitors if they had been good and if so what did they want for Christmas. I got the impression that these kids were wise beyond their years. Off course they did not believe in Santa. Come on, your just a fat block with a false beard and read suit. But really they only came along because their parents were convinced Santa really did come from the North Pole.
Mind you I have a routine I followed. I’d got hold of a large ancient dusty leather bound book which when the child approached I’d open and leaf though having asked if they had been a good boy of girl. Always the answer was ‘yes’, but then I’d say. “Now according to my book of words – some of them very long indeed – I can see that you upset your mum by not wanting to go to bed early last month.” At this child looks down at feet and mum has a very big grin.. But slamming the book closed I’d then cry – “Never mind, just so long as you don’t upset mum again. Now what do you want.” This would open the flood gates, as both Santa and the child were firm friends.
Mind you I did get one cretin. No he did not believe in Santa, and anyway he’d seen me ten miles away in Southend only that morning so how could I be in two places at once?
Very simple I told him – a trick of the trade. “You’ve heard of the time dilation theory” I asked him. Of course he had, he said. Have to be honest here – it was more then I did, but how was he to know. Well I continued, “whilst for you almost four to five hours might have elapsed. For me in my time dilation state, it’s only been a few minutes… That’s why the reindeer and I can visit every child in the world in one night. You see for you it’s only a night. But for me and the reindeer that night in your time is almost seven months to us. Small wonder we need a holiday after all that flying around. So now you know why we need those Mince pies for the Reindeer and that glass of whisky for me.” Exit crestfallen smart 10 year old boy and exit one very happy Mum, pleased I’d got one over on her know-it-all child.
Oh and one final story of doing time as an in-store Santa. I’d gone though my routine and just for a laugh asked the Childs mother, “and what does mum want Santa to bring you.” She in return looked me straight in the eye and with a smile said “a Man”
For a couple of years I got to be an in-store Santa in a large Basildon centre store.. You know sitting in my little grotto with only an elf (normally a girl off the check out counter) for company asking my young visitors if they had been good and if so what did they want for Christmas. I got the impression that these kids were wise beyond their years. Off course they did not believe in Santa. Come on, your just a fat block with a false beard and read suit. But really they only came along because their parents were convinced Santa really did come from the North Pole.
Mind you I have a routine I followed. I’d got hold of a large ancient dusty leather bound book which when the child approached I’d open and leaf though having asked if they had been a good boy of girl. Always the answer was ‘yes’, but then I’d say. “Now according to my book of words – some of them very long indeed – I can see that you upset your mum by not wanting to go to bed early last month.” At this child looks down at feet and mum has a very big grin.. But slamming the book closed I’d then cry – “Never mind, just so long as you don’t upset mum again. Now what do you want.” This would open the flood gates, as both Santa and the child were firm friends.
Mind you I did get one cretin. No he did not believe in Santa, and anyway he’d seen me ten miles away in Southend only that morning so how could I be in two places at once?
Very simple I told him – a trick of the trade. “You’ve heard of the time dilation theory” I asked him. Of course he had, he said. Have to be honest here – it was more then I did, but how was he to know. Well I continued, “whilst for you almost four to five hours might have elapsed. For me in my time dilation state, it’s only been a few minutes… That’s why the reindeer and I can visit every child in the world in one night. You see for you it’s only a night. But for me and the reindeer that night in your time is almost seven months to us. Small wonder we need a holiday after all that flying around. So now you know why we need those Mince pies for the Reindeer and that glass of whisky for me.” Exit crestfallen smart 10 year old boy and exit one very happy Mum, pleased I’d got one over on her know-it-all child.
Oh and one final story of doing time as an in-store Santa. I’d gone though my routine and just for a laugh asked the Childs mother, “and what does mum want Santa to bring you.” She in return looked me straight in the eye and with a smile said “a Man”
For a couple of years I got to be an in-store Santa in a large Basildon centre store.. You know sitting in my little grotto with only an elf (normally a girl off the check out counter) for company asking my young visitors if they had been good and if so what did they want for Christmas. I got the impression that these kids were wise beyond their years. Off course they did not believe in Santa. Come on, your just a fat block with a false beard and read suit. But really they only came along because their parents were convinced Santa really did come from the North Pole.
Mind you I have a routine I followed. I’d got hold of a large ancient dusty leather bound book which when the child approached I’d open and leaf though having asked if they had been a good boy of girl. Always the answer was ‘yes’, but then I’d say. “Now according to my book of words – some of them very long indeed – I can see that you upset your mum by not wanting to go to bed early last month.” At this child looks down at feet and mum has a very big grin.. But slamming the book closed I’d then cry – “Never mind, just so long as you don’t upset mum again. Now what do you want.” This would open the flood gates, as both Santa and the child were firm friends.
Mind you I did get one cretin. No he did not believe in Santa, and anyway he’d seen me ten miles away in Southend only that morning so how could I be in two places at once?
Very simple I told him – a trick of the trade. “You’ve heard of the time dilation theory” I asked him. Of course he had, he said. Have to be honest here – it was more then I did, but how was he to know. Well I continued, “whilst for you almost four to five hours might have elapsed. For me in my time dilation state, it’s only been a few minutes… That’s why the reindeer and I can visit every child in the world in one night. You see for you it’s only a night. But for me and the reindeer that night in your time is almost seven months to us. Small wonder we need a holiday after all that flying around. So now you know why we need those Mince pies for the Reindeer and that glass of whisky for me.” Exit crestfallen smart 10 year old boy and exit one very happy Mum, pleased I’d got one over on her know-it-all child.
Oh and one final story of doing time as an in-store Santa. I’d gone though my routine and just for a laugh asked the Childs mother, “and what does mum want Santa to bring you.” She in return looked me straight in the eye and with a smile said “a Man”
For a couple of years I got to be an in-store Santa in a large Basildon centre store.. You know sitting in my little grotto with only an elf (normally a girl off the check out counter) for company asking my young visitors if they had been good and if so what did they want for Christmas. I got the impression that these kids were wise beyond their years. Off course they did not believe in Santa. Come on, your just a fat block with a false beard and read suit. But really they only came along because their parents were convinced Santa really did come from the North Pole.
Mind you I have a routine I followed. I’d got hold of a large ancient dusty leather bound book which when the child approached I’d open and leaf though having asked if they had been a good boy of girl. Always the answer was ‘yes’, but then I’d say. “Now according to my book of words – some of them very long indeed – I can see that you upset your mum by not wanting to go to bed early last month.” At this child looks down at feet and mum has a very big grin.. But slamming the book closed I’d then cry – “Never mind, just so long as you don’t upset mum again. Now what do you want.” This would open the flood gates, as both Santa and the child were firm friends.
Mind you I did get one cretin. No he did not believe in Santa, and anyway he’d seen me ten miles away in Southend only that morning so how could I be in two places at once?
Very simple I told him – a trick of the trade. “You’ve heard of the time dilation theory” I asked him. Of course he had, he said. Have to be honest here – it was more then I did, but how was he to know. Well I continued, “whilst for you almost four to five hours might have elapsed. For me in my time dilation state, it’s only been a few minutes… That’s why the reindeer and I can visit every child in the world in one night. You see for you it’s only a night. But for me and the reindeer that night in your time is almost seven months to us. Small wonder we need a holiday after all that flying around. So now you know why we need those Mince pies for the Reindeer and that glass of whisky for me.” Exit crestfallen smart 10 year old boy and exit one very happy Mum, pleased I’d got one over on her know-it-all child.
Oh and one final story of doing time as an in-store Santa. I’d gone though my routine and just for a laugh asked the Childs mother, “and what does mum want Santa to bring you.” She in return looked me straight in the eye and with a smile said “a Man”
For a couple of years I got to be an in-store Santa in a large Basildon centre store.. You know sitting in my little grotto with only an elf (normally a girl off the check out counter) for company asking my young visitors if they had been good and if so what did they want for Christmas. I got the impression that these kids were wise beyond their years. Off course they did not believe in Santa. Come on, your just a fat block with a false beard and read suit. But really they only came along because their parents were convinced Santa really did come from the North Pole.
Mind you I have a routine I followed. I’d got hold of a large ancient dusty leather bound book which when the child approached I’d open and leaf though having asked if they had been a good boy of girl. Always the answer was ‘yes’, but then I’d say. “Now according to my book of words – some of them very long indeed – I can see that you upset your mum by not wanting to go to bed early last month.” At this child looks down at feet and mum has a very big grin.. But slamming the book closed I’d then cry – “Never mind, just so long as you don’t upset mum again. Now what do you want.” This would open the flood gates, as both Santa and the child were firm friends.
Mind you I did get one cretin. No he did not believe in Santa, and anyway he’d seen me ten miles away in Southend only that morning so how could I be in two places at once?
Very simple I told him – a trick of the trade. “You’ve heard of the time dilation theory” I asked him. Of course he had, he said. Have to be honest here – it was more then I did, but how was he to know. Well I continued, “whilst for you almost four to five hours might have elapsed. For me in my time dilation state, it’s only been a few minutes… That’s why the reindeer and I can visit every child in the world in one night. You see for you it’s only a night. But for me and the reindeer that night in your time is almost seven months to us. Small wonder we need a holiday after all that flying around. So now you know why we need those Mince pies for the Reindeer and that glass of whisky for me.” Exit crestfallen smart 10 year old boy and exit one very happy Mum, pleased I’d got one over on her know-it-all child.
Oh and one final story of doing time as an in-store Santa. I’d gone though my routine and just for a laugh asked the Childs mother, “and what does mum want Santa to bring you.” She in return looked me straight in the eye and with a smile said “a Man”
Article by Dennis Rookard, 1 Dec 2007 |
05/07 Linkin Park 12/07 Super Furry Animals 19/07 U2 26/07 Madonna 02/08 Coldplay 09/08 Robbie Williams 16/08 blink-182 23/08 Rolling Stones 30/08 Placebo All times UK. |