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Worst Song From The 80’s

Last Christmas I ran a poll to find out the worst song from the 1970’s and Phoenix FM listeners voted that to be J.J. Barrie – No Charge. This year I decided to move on a decade and find the worst song from the 80’s. Over the last month Phoenix FM listeners have been sending me suggestions and this list is compiled from the songs they suggested. I have had to put a top twenty forward as the final list, due to the fact I found it hard to only select ten songs! (Artists please note, this is a fun poll and we all at Phoenix FM appreciate your efforts and in no way wish to offend you……but come on you must agree some of these songs are bad!)

What we are going to do this year is ask you to select TWO songs from this list of twenty, stating which you think is the worst song and the one that came a close second to it. The voting will take place throughout November and the worst song will be announced during my show on Monday 3rd December.

Below  is the list of twenty songs and a small sound clip just to remind you of how bad the songs are! To listen to the clips, just double click the link at the end of the write up for each song, then double click again on the next page that comes up.

  1. ANITA DOBSON -ANYONE CAN FALL IN LOVE – Anita is an actress and appeared in the soap Eastenders playing the character Angie Watts,Landlady of the Queen Vic Pub. The Christmas 1986 episode is still the highest viewed episode of a British soap, when her on screen husband gave her divorce papers. The reason he gave her these papers could well be for what she did five months previous, for in August 1986 Anita along with the writer of the Eastenders theme tune, Simon May, released the song Anyone Can Fall In Love which was “sung” to the Eastenders theme. It was produced by Queen guitarist Brian May (I bet he is proud of this work!!) who later became her husband. So what can we say about this song? Only that Anita really should have stuck with acting and left the singing to professionals. Needless to say, she never had another hit record in the UK. Anyone Can Fall In Love reached number 4 in the UK singles chart. Anita Dobson & Simon May Orchestra – Anyone Can Fall In Love (edit)
  2. BLACK LACE – AGADOO –  Black Lace first came to fame in 1979 when they represented the United Kingdom in the Eurovision Song Contest finishing seventh with the song Mary Ann (compared to how we do in that competition now, 7th is good!). Their first party hit “Superman” made the top ten of the singles chart but Agadoo is the song they are best known for. With a dance routine that consisted of us pushing pineapples and shaking trees, this song was a classic for the 80’s mobile DJ. Unfortunatly, its not aged well and its very rare you will hear this song anymore (shame I hear you say). So what happened to Black Lace? (Just humour me please) well, Alan Barton (singer) unfortunatly was killed in a coach crash in 1995. As for Colin Gibb, hmmmmm how shall I put this, he was rumoured to have done naughty things with under aged girls, but now he lives in Tenerife with his wife and performs “The Black Lace Show” solo in Spanish clubs. Black Lace as a group are still going but have two new members. Agadoo reached Number 2 in the UK singles chart and sold over one million copies world wide. (If you listen to the clip AND start doing the dance moves then you are very, very sad)  Black Lace – Agadoo (edit)
  3. BUCKS FIZZ – MAKING YOUR MIND UP – Yet another United Kingdom Eurovision entry, however this one actually WON!!! plus the guys ripped the girls skirts off whilst performing the song, so why is it in this list? Well with their blonde hair, smiley faces and daft jumpers, Bucks Fizz were the UK’s very own ABBA, just not as good. Their pop songs were very popular through the 80’s and in a slightly different form, they still perform and record today. Bucks Fizz were formed just two months prior to the release of the single. Making Your Mind Up went to number 1 in the UK singles chart in 1981 and was one of the biggest selling songs of the year. To date, it has sold over four million copies world wide. (Makes you wonder would they have been so successful had they finished second in the Eurovision Competition)  Bucks Fizz – Making Your Mind Up (edit)
  4. CHRIS DE BURGH – THE LADY IN RED – Now in no way do i wish to influence the vote but this must stand a good chance of winning. De Burgh was inspired to write the song when remembering the first time he saw his wife (she was wearing a red dress!). Why oh why could he have not been looking at someone, or something else? It is certainly not one of De Burgh’s best vocal performances or one of his best songs (in my opinion). I must say I dont dislike Chris De Burgh and indeed I dont know him, but this song does go on a bit. It was a huge hit however, reaching number 1 not just in the UK but also four other countries. On the plus side, his daughter, Rosanna, won the Miss World competition in 2003. That has nothing to do with Lady In Red, its just that after seeing her modeling pics, I would rather look at her than listen to the song.   Chris De Burgh – The Lady In Red (edit)
  5. FIRM – STAR TREKKIN – Now, novelty songs are often selected in these polls, at the time they seem fun but they become dated very quickly plus after a few listens, they also become annoying. It seems though that this one splits people right down the middle, they either loathe it, or say its not that bad (Spitting Image – The Chicken Song came very close to being in this list as well). The song was a parody from the original TV series Star Trek with the singers pretending to be Star Trek characters and saying lines from the TV series …. BUT the Mr Spock line from the song was NEVER said in any Star Trek episode although because of this song, many people believe it was. Star Trekkin was released in 1987 and spent two weeks at number 1 in the UK singles chart. Firm – Star Trekkin’ (edit)
  6. GOOMBAY DANCE BAND – SEVEN TEARS – Now this one very nearly slipped through the net but not with Phoenix FM listeners. The Goombay Dance Band were, and still are!! the German equivalent of Boney M.Their singer Oliver Bendt swanning about with his blonde perm and warbling this dreadfull song. They scored many big hits both in Germany and around the world and in 1982 the British public decided to be kind and let them have a hit in the UK. Why oh why did we do that??? Seven Tears became huge and spent three weeks at number 1 in the singles chart. We did however learn from this lesson, and The Goombay Dance Band never had any other UK top 40 hit. If you need reminding of just how bad this song is, listen to it…..if you dare! Goombay Dance Band – Seven Tears (edit)
  7. JOE DOLCE MUSIC THEATRE – SHADDAP YOU FACE – Another novelty record but the major crime this one committed was it prevented Ultravox – Vienna from getting to number 1. Joe Dolce is an American born, Australian singer. In 1980 he wrote the song after visiting his Italian grand parents who often said things like “Whats The Matter, you?” and “Oh Shaddap” and in 1981 it eventually topped the UK charts spending three weeks at number 1. Shaddap You Face is estimated to have sold six million copies around the world. WARNING LISTENING TO THIS CLIP MAY MAKE YOU START SPEAKING IN AN ITALIAN ACCENT OR WORSE STILL……..YOU MAY START SINGING THE SONG!! (Phoenix FM accept no resposibility if this occurs) Joe Dolce – Shaddap You Face (edit)
  8. KEITH HARRIS & ORVILLE – ORVILLE’S SONG – Here is another “song” that stands a very good chance of finishing top of this poll. Keith Harris, a ventriloquist who had a TV show for eight years during the eighties and Orville the Duck, his puppet. Orville was bright green in colour and wore a nappy with a huge safety pin (as all ducks do, dont they?) In 1982, Orville decided he wanted to make it public that he wished to fly, so he recorded this record with Keith (listen kids, I hate to shatter your illusions but Orville cant speak, think or indeed fly. Dont forget, he is a puppet and that means he has to have Keith Harris hand stuck up his bum). Keith in return, then holds a conversation with Orville about the fact he cant fly and that they are friends!! (The word “Institution” springs to mind). However, to a degree Orville did manage to fly…….up the charts as he and Keith reached the lofty heights of Number 4. (I’ve just thought of how I can help Orville fly, it involves a rocket and the place Keith puts his hand!!! Bet that would work) Keith Harris & Orville – Orville’s Song (edit)
  9. LAURIE ANDERSON – O SUPERMAN – If you like your songs to have the syallable “Ha” used as two chords all the way through, lasting nearly eight and a half minutes and with the singer using a vocoder to half speak and half sing about absolutely nothing in particular, then this is the song for you. If however you find all the above mind numbingly boring, then this could pick up a few votes. Not many people had heard of Laurie Anderson until the UK public (Again in 1981. We must have been feeling depressed as Joe Dolce was no longer around!) decided to purchase this and make it a massive hit, reaching number 2 in the UK singles chart. In 2008 Anderson married singer Lou Reed. Wow he really took a Walk On The Wild Side didnt he (Ok stop groaning) Laurie Anderson – O Superman (edit)
  10. MATCHROOM MOB WITH CHAS N DAVE – SNOOKER LOOPY – Now im a nice person and dont wish to offend anyone. Steve Davis is a Phoenix FM presenter, I say to myself, I cant include this song in the list of worst songs from the 80’s. So there I am, in the studio on Monday evening and Steve walks in, tells me he was listening to the list of songs and wanted to know why his song wasnt in the list? So, not wishing to upset the great man, here goes. Chas n Dave, two cockneys who made some…..ok ish songs, plus five snooker players (Terry Griffiths, Tony Meo, Dennis Taylor, Willie Thorne & the Great Steve Davis) who, in their day, were not bad at playing snooker, but these days, they would need a zimmer to even reach the green baize (Steve Davis aside who is still a fine, fine player and all round decent chap). The song goes on to mention each of the five players in turn and something about them (The song ridicules poor Steve about missing the black in the final frame of the 1985 world championship, which Dennis Taylor won. We dont like Dennis Taylor!). It then goes on to list the coloured balls in order and how the guys pick up their sticks and start batting the balls around this green table, which has six holes in it and little craddles so as to stop the balls from falling on the floor (Think that describes the game).  If you like snooker (or your tone deaf) you may like this song however if you are of sane mind and good hearing, then you may end up voting for this one. (I included the clip with Steve Davis doing his bit as its clearly the best part of the song). Matchroom Mob with Chas N Dave – Snooker Loopy (edit)
  11. NICK BERRY – EVERY LOSER WINS – Its Wicksy!! Another Eastenders actor who decided to have a go at singing. In fairness to Nick Berry he did out do Anita Dobson as far as chart success goes. The big question with this song was if Wicksy had not performed this song week after week on Eastenders as part of a story line that he was in a band, would it have been so successful? Further more, am I being harsh on the song as the writers recieved Ivor Novello Awards for writing it! Am i letting the fact that i detest all TV soaps cloud my judgement? NO its just a completely naff song that for some reason, spent three weeks at Number 1 back in 1986.  Nick Berry – Every Loser Wins (edit)
  12. PAUL McCARTNEY & THE FROG CHORUS – WE ALL STAND TOGETHER – When this song was released i refused to purchase it on the grounds that it was the biggest pile of c**p I had ever heard. Now, 28 years later I have listened to it again for this poll and guess what…….its still c**p!! There could of been a number of reasons for this song. Maybe Paul needed some money, maybe he was bored or maybe he just has a frog fetish. Whatever the reason we have to remember this man was one half of the greatest writing patnership in popular music (and co wrote Baa Baa Black sheep according to my daughter). So why should one quarter of the Beatles (one of the most popular bands on the planet) produce a song with a group of cartoon frogs, croaking to the tune. To say this song is awful is an understatement. Its truely dreadful! However in 1984 it managed to hop up the charts (get it? frogs…..hop……oh nevermind) to number 3 in the UK. Dont ask me how but it did. The front cover of the record has McCartney dressed as Rupert The Bear, looking at, Rupert The Bear. Paul McCartney & Frog Chorus – We All Stand Together (edit)
  13. RENEE & RENATO – SAVE YOUR LOVE – I was getting so into this poll that I forgot this gem, many thanks to a friend of mine for nominating it. (Makes me wonder if he still listens to it as most people had completely forgotten it!) In 1975 this West Midlands/Italian born singer called Renato performed on the TV talent show New Faces and caught the attention of song writer Johnny Edward. Moving on a few years, in 1982 Edward paired Renato up with a lady called Hilary Lester, she changed her name to Renee and (waving a magic wand) Renee & Renato were formed. Save Your Love was the Christmas number 1 in 1982 and spent four weeks at the top spot. In 2009 Renato died due to complications following surgery on a brain tumor. Renee (Hilary) returned to private life (no doubt embarressed by what she has left the music world) Renee & Renato – Save Your Love (edit)
  14. RUSS ABBOT – ATMOSPHERE – Russ Abbot first appeared as a drummer in the group the Black Abbots before deciding to go it alone as a comedian. He had his own comedy show and in a poll back in 2003, his “See You Jimmy” character was voted the third most scottish person…..after Iain and Jimmy Krankie!!!!!!! Russ then decided to release some songs, Oh how we wish he didnt. This effort came out in 1984 and managed to get itself to a chart position of number 7! What I find most annoying about this song is…………its got a catchy tune that once it gets in your brain you start humming it and even worse, SINGING IT! For some reason Atmosphere (I love a party with a happy Atmosphereeeeee Oh heck see what I mean) appealed to all the grannies and grandads around at the time and you would see them up on the dance floor throwing shapes and strutting their stuff. Russ these days is into serious acting (thank god) and has not released a song for years (hooray, he has seen the light). ( Oh what an Atmosphere, I love a party grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr SO ANNOYING!!!!)  Russ Abbot – Atmosphere (edit)
  15. SAMANTHA FOX – TOUCH ME (I WANT YOUR BODY) – If you dont know about Samantha Fox, here is a brief run down. She was a 16 year old page 3 girl (and very pretty she was too. She had cracking errrr ummmm eyes?), she went on to have successful singing and acting career’s as well as being a top glamour model. She dated an Australian con man, then Paul Stanley, singer with the rock band Kiss before announcing in 2003 that she had slept with women. She then said she loved her manager (Myra Stratton) and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with her…and so far, she has. There you go, the brief life of Sam Fox. Now to this song. 1986 was the year and Sam embarked on a singing career. In fairness Touch Me went to number one in 17 countries (Yes you did read that correct, I did say 17) but not in the UK, where it reached a peak of number 3. It has our Sam doing a few erotic (ish) moans and trying so hard to sing. She has sold over 30 million albums world wide (seriously you dont need to go to specsavers, I did say 30 million) and is currently working on a new album with Full Force & Steve Strange (He from Visage) Samantha Fox – Touch Me (I Want Your Body) (edit)
  16. SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK – LOVE MISSILE F1-11 – (This is hard for me……I actually like this one!!!) This song has a few things in common with Sam Fox and Touch Me. It too was in the charts in 1986 at the same time as Sam Fox plus it also peaked at number 3. However, similarities end there as the singer Martin Degville didnt have the same cracking eyes (coff) as Sam Fox. Sigue Sigue Sputnik were formed by Generation X former bass player Tony James. The band had a weird dress sense and only god knows who their barber was! The song relyed on lots of echo and sample effects (some may say to hide the fact the singer couldnt sing – remember though, I like this song so im not saying that at all). Their tours were marred by poor ticket sales and violence and singer Degville later left the band (and he claims) went on to make specialist porn films (I wonder if he had a haircut as surely his hair would have got in the way???) Sigue Sigue Sputnik – Love Missile F1-11 (edit)
  17. SINITTA – SO MACHO – Sinitta began recording in 1983, participated in “A Song For Europe” at the 1984 song heats and became Simon Cowell’s first signing. She dated Mr Cowell from 1984 (She was just 16, he was 25) until 2004, then she left Mr Cowell………….. for David Essex!! and then went on to have a two year relationship with Brad Pitt (Now Brad Pitt I can understand as he has my looks (stop laughing!!) Simon Cowell? Maybe she has a fetish for trousers pulled up really high, but David Essex????). There you go, personal life bit about Sinitta out the way. Now the song. It was her first hit single. Simon Cowell was convinced it would be a hit and after an initial poor start, he re promoted it and it went on to be a number 2 (in both senses on the word). It sold over 900,000 copies and paved the way for Sinitta’s pop career. So whats bad about it, well the lyrics, the music, even the cartoon drawing on the cover of the single which is some bloke with a gold medalion around his neck (can you tell I dislike this one?). In fairness to Sinitta she was always going to appear in this list, if this song didn’t make then her next hit “Toy Boy” would have. Sinitta – So Macho (edit)
  18. ST. WINIFRED’S SCHOOL CHOIR – THERE’S NO ONE QUITE LIKE GRANDMA – I will start off by making an admission….THIS IS MY NOMINATION!! Surely this is one of the favourites to win this poll. I just hope there is enough room on this page for me to write about the song. Ok my rant starts here. The British public were in fact pre-warned about this choir back in 1978, when they appeared on Brian & Michael’s number 1 song “Matchstalk Men & Matchstalk Cats & Dogs”. Did we learn from that? Oh no, for 2 years later they were back in the charts again. Right, lets split this into two catagories, GOOD & BAD. So whats good about this song? NOTHING! That was easy. So whats bad about this song? (Brace yourselves) a group of young school children all standing there in their school uniforms, all the girls in pink dresses little white socks (Im getting anrgy already) and to the side, a video screen showing clips of old ladies knitting and handing out sweets and stuff like that. Then there was the main singer? Dawn Ralph is her name.These days she is married with a daughter and refuses to do any interviews about her time at St Winifreds other than to say she is proud of the interesting childhood it gave her. She is probably a lovely person for all i know but there was something about her singing that really got to me…..oh yes, she had a lisp! Not just a small one, a big one. I have nothing against people who lisp, its just that when they sing, I personally, really notice it and it just gets on my nerves (Simply Red’s Mick Hucknell is another example) and unfortunately for Dawn, she had one. Next thing, I have never used the term “Grandma”, its old fashioned. I dont know anyone who uses that term anymore (Awaits messages now from half the world saying they use it) try Nan, its much better. Next moan, the music…its dire! Enough said on that matter me thinks. And then to finally top the whole thing off, it spent two weeks at number 1 in 1980/81!! HOW???????? I am proud to say that this song along with Paul McCartney’s Frog Chorus are two songs that I refused to purchase.  St Winifred’s School Choir – There’s No-One Quite Like Grandma
  19. STEVIE WONDER – I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU –  I do feel sorry for Stevie Wonder. Over the years he has made some brilliant music from the 60’s up to present day, some songs are absolute classics and yet, he has only ever had one song reach the number 1 spot in the UK singles chart (yep, even Happy Birthday only got to number 2) , THIS ONE! Stevie went blind shortly after birth but at the age of eleven, he signed for Tamala Motown Records and still records for them to this day. I Just Called To Say I Love You was originally used in the film “The Woman In Red”  and became his most commercially selling solo single. It sold over One and three quater million copies in the UK and over Four and a quarter million world wide. It went number 1 in 17 countries so why is it on this list I hear you ask? Well, its hard to explain really. Its not got the power of say, masterblaster. Its not got the danceability (have I just created a new word here?) of Uptight and it does not stretch his vocals to the limit like Sir Duke but, above all the reason I think its been nominated is…..ITS VERY VERY IRRITATING. Stevie Wonder – I Just Called To Say I Love You (edit)
  20. TWEETS – THE BIRDIE SONG – Oh my word we end in style with a song that is another one of the favourites to win this poll. This song was composed in the 50s in Switzerland and was called the Duck Dance. It has had various different names and in Germany is commonly known as the Chicken Dance because at a German festival in the US, they wanted to perform the dance in a duck costume but only a chicken costume was available and so the name stuck . Now read this bit carefully as its a frightening statistic. There are over 140 different versions of this song recorded making a combined sales figure of (You need to sit down here) 40 million!! The most popular version of the song was released in 1981 by The Tweets. In the UK alone it sold over 1.6 million records and reached number 2 in the singles chart held off first by Adam Ant and then Dave Stewart & Barbara Gaskin. The original version had lyrics but The Tweets decided to do an instrumental, this in turn meant us Brits decided to add our own lyrics and at many a party you would often hear ” A Little Bit Of This, And A Little Bit Of That, And Shake Your Bum” followed by some clapping in time with the song. In 2000 The Birdie Song was voted “The Most Annoying Song Of All Time” in a poll for the website Dotmusic. Tweets – Birdie Song (edit)

So there you have it, twenty of the worst songs from the 1980s. Many thanks for all your suggestions, and maybe on another day Bon Jovi, Rick Astley and Kylie may well have been in this list however the judging panel decided on the above as the final twenty. Now all you have to do is tell us the two you vote for stating which one you believe to be the worst song. You can leave your votes on here or add me to your facebook (search for Gary Casserley) or you can log on to the Phoenix FM chat room Mondays between 6-8pm and tell me whilst im live on air.

Remember this is just a bit of fun so no abusive messages please

Gary

Worst Song From The 80’s

Last Christmas I ran a poll to find out the worst song from the 1970’s and Phoenix FM listeners voted that to be J.J. Barrie – No Charge. This year I decided to move on a decade and find the worst song from the 80’s. Over the last month Phoenix FM listeners have been sending me suggestions and this list is compiled from the songs they suggested. I have had to put a top twenty forward as the final list, due to the fact I found it hard to only select ten songs! (Artists please note, this is a fun poll and we all at Phoenix FM appreciate your efforts and in no way wish to offend you……but come on you must agree some of these songs are bad!)

What we are going to do this year is ask you to select TWO songs from this list of twenty, stating which you think is the worst song and the one that came a close second to it. The voting will take place throughout November and the worst song will be announced during my show on Monday 3rd December.

Below  is the list of twenty songs and a small sound clip just to remind you of how bad the songs are! To listen to the clips, just double click the link at the end of the write up for each song, then double click again on the next page that comes up.

  1. ANITA DOBSON -ANYONE CAN FALL IN LOVE – Anita is an actress and appeared in the soap Eastenders playing the character Angie Watts,Landlady of the Queen Vic Pub. The Christmas 1986 episode is still the highest viewed episode of a British soap, when her on screen husband gave her divorce papers. The reason he gave her these papers could well be for what she did five months previous, for in August 1986 Anita along with the writer of the Eastenders theme tune, Simon May, released the song Anyone Can Fall In Love which was “sung” to the Eastenders theme. It was produced by Queen guitarist Brian May (I bet he is proud of this work!!) who later became her husband. So what can we say about this song? Only that Anita really should have stuck with acting and left the singing to professionals. Needless to say, she never had another hit record in the UK. Anyone Can Fall In Love reached number 4 in the UK singles chart. Anita Dobson & Simon May Orchestra – Anyone Can Fall In Love (edit)
  2. BLACK LACE – AGADOO –  Black Lace first came to fame in 1979 when they represented the United Kingdom in the Eurovision Song Contest finishing seventh with the song Mary Ann (compared to how we do in that competition now, 7th is good!). Their first party hit “Superman” made the top ten of the singles chart but Agadoo is the song they are best known for. With a dance routine that consisted of us pushing pineapples and shaking trees, this song was a classic for the 80’s mobile DJ. Unfortunatly, its not aged well and its very rare you will hear this song anymore (shame I hear you say). So what happened to Black Lace? (Just humour me please) well, Alan Barton (singer) unfortunatly was killed in a coach crash in 1995. As for Colin Gibb, hmmmmm how shall I put this, he was rumoured to have done naughty things with under aged girls, but now he lives in Tenerife with his wife and performs “The Black Lace Show” solo in Spanish clubs. Black Lace as a group are still going but have two new members. Agadoo reached Number 2 in the UK singles chart and sold over one million copies world wide. (If you listen to the clip AND start doing the dance moves then you are very, very sad)  Black Lace – Agadoo (edit)
  3. BUCKS FIZZ – MAKING YOUR MIND UP – Yet another United Kingdom Eurovision entry, however this one actually WON!!! plus the guys ripped the girls skirts off whilst performing the song, so why is it in this list? Well with their blonde hair, smiley faces and daft jumpers, Bucks Fizz were the UK’s very own ABBA, just not as good. Their pop songs were very popular through the 80’s and in a slightly different form, they still perform and record today. Bucks Fizz were formed just two months prior to the release of the single. Making Your Mind Up went to number 1 in the UK singles chart in 1981 and was one of the biggest selling songs of the year. To date, it has sold over four million copies world wide. (Makes you wonder would they have been so successful had they finished second in the Eurovision Competition)  Bucks Fizz – Making Your Mind Up (edit)
  4. CHRIS DE BURGH – THE LADY IN RED – Now in no way do i wish to influence the vote but this must stand a good chance of winning. De Burgh was inspired to write the song when remembering the first time he saw his wife (she was wearing a red dress!). Why oh why could he have not been looking at someone, or something else? It is certainly not one of De Burgh’s best vocal performances or one of his best songs (in my opinion). I must say I dont dislike Chris De Burgh and indeed I dont know him, but this song does go on a bit. It was a huge hit however, reaching number 1 not just in the UK but also four other countries. On the plus side, his daughter, Rosanna, won the Miss World competition in 2003. That has nothing to do with Lady In Red, its just that after seeing her modeling pics, I would rather look at her than listen to the song.   Chris De Burgh – The Lady In Red (edit)
  5. FIRM – STAR TREKKIN – Now, novelty songs are often selected in these polls, at the time they seem fun but they become dated very quickly plus after a few listens, they also become annoying. It seems though that this one splits people right down the middle, they either loathe it, or say its not that bad (Spitting Image – The Chicken Song came very close to being in this list as well). The song was a parody from the original TV series Star Trek with the singers pretending to be Star Trek characters and saying lines from the TV series …. BUT the Mr Spock line from the song was NEVER said in any Star Trek episode although because of this song, many people believe it was. Star Trekkin was released in 1987 and spent two weeks at number 1 in the UK singles chart. Firm – Star Trekkin’ (edit)
  6. GOOMBAY DANCE BAND – SEVEN TEARS – Now this one very nearly slipped through the net but not with Phoenix FM listeners. The Goombay Dance Band were, and still are!! the German equivalent of Boney M.Their singer Oliver Bendt swanning about with his blonde perm and warbling this dreadfull song. They scored many big hits both in Germany and around the world and in 1982 the British public decided to be kind and let them have a hit in the UK. Why oh why did we do that??? Seven Tears became huge and spent three weeks at number 1 in the singles chart. We did however learn from this lesson, and The Goombay Dance Band never had any other UK top 40 hit. If you need reminding of just how bad this song is, listen to it…..if you dare! Goombay Dance Band – Seven Tears (edit)
  7. JOE DOLCE MUSIC THEATRE – SHADDAP YOU FACE – Another novelty record but the major crime this one committed was it prevented Ultravox – Vienna from getting to number 1. Joe Dolce is an American born, Australian singer. In 1980 he wrote the song after visiting his Italian grand parents who often said things like “Whats The Matter, you?” and “Oh Shaddap” and in 1981 it eventually topped the UK charts spending three weeks at number 1. Shaddap You Face is estimated to have sold six million copies around the world. WARNING LISTENING TO THIS CLIP MAY MAKE YOU START SPEAKING IN AN ITALIAN ACCENT OR WORSE STILL……..YOU MAY START SINGING THE SONG!! (Phoenix FM accept no resposibility if this occurs) Joe Dolce – Shaddap You Face (edit)
  8. KEITH HARRIS & ORVILLE – ORVILLE’S SONG – Here is another “song” that stands a very good chance of finishing top of this poll. Keith Harris, a ventriloquist who had a TV show for eight years during the eighties and Orville the Duck, his puppet. Orville was bright green in colour and wore a nappy with a huge safety pin (as all ducks do, dont they?) In 1982, Orville decided he wanted to make it public that he wished to fly, so he recorded this record with Keith (listen kids, I hate to shatter your illusions but Orville cant speak, think or indeed fly. Dont forget, he is a puppet and that means he has to have Keith Harris hand stuck up his bum). Keith in return, then holds a conversation with Orville about the fact he cant fly and that they are friends!! (The word “Institution” springs to mind). However, to a degree Orville did manage to fly…….up the charts as he and Keith reached the lofty heights of Number 4. (I’ve just thought of how I can help Orville fly, it involves a rocket and the place Keith puts his hand!!! Bet that would work) Keith Harris & Orville – Orville’s Song (edit)
  9. LAURIE ANDERSON – O SUPERMAN – If you like your songs to have the syallable “Ha” used as two chords all the way through, lasting nearly eight and a half minutes and with the singer using a vocoder to half speak and half sing about absolutely nothing in particular, then this is the song for you. If however you find all the above mind numbingly boring, then this could pick up a few votes. Not many people had heard of Laurie Anderson until the UK public (Again in 1981. We must have been feeling depressed as Joe Dolce was no longer around!) decided to purchase this and make it a massive hit, reaching number 2 in the UK singles chart. In 2008 Anderson married singer Lou Reed. Wow he really took a Walk On The Wild Side didnt he (Ok stop groaning) Laurie Anderson – O Superman (edit)
  10. MATCHROOM MOB WITH CHAS N DAVE – SNOOKER LOOPY – Now im a nice person and dont wish to offend anyone. Steve Davis is a Phoenix FM presenter, I say to myself, I cant include this song in the list of worst songs from the 80’s. So there I am, in the studio on Monday evening and Steve walks in, tells me he was listening to the list of songs and wanted to know why his song wasnt in the list? So, not wishing to upset the great man, here goes. Chas n Dave, two cockneys who made some…..ok ish songs, plus five snooker players (Terry Griffiths, Tony Meo, Dennis Taylor, Willie Thorne & the Great Steve Davis) who, in their day, were not bad at playing snooker, but these days, they would need a zimmer to even reach the green baize (Steve Davis aside who is still a fine, fine player and all round decent chap). The song goes on to mention each of the five players in turn and something about them (The song ridicules poor Steve about missing the black in the final frame of the 1985 world championship, which Dennis Taylor won. We dont like Dennis Taylor!). It then goes on to list the coloured balls in order and how the guys pick up their sticks and start batting the balls around this green table, which has six holes in it and little craddles so as to stop the balls from falling on the floor (Think that describes the game).  If you like snooker (or your tone deaf) you may like this song however if you are of sane mind and good hearing, then you may end up voting for this one. (I included the clip with Steve Davis doing his bit as its clearly the best part of the song). Matchroom Mob with Chas N Dave – Snooker Loopy (edit)
  11. NICK BERRY – EVERY LOSER WINS – Its Wicksy!! Another Eastenders actor who decided to have a go at singing. In fairness to Nick Berry he did out do Anita Dobson as far as chart success goes. The big question with this song was if Wicksy had not performed this song week after week on Eastenders as part of a story line that he was in a band, would it have been so successful? Further more, am I being harsh on the song as the writers recieved Ivor Novello Awards for writing it! Am i letting the fact that i detest all TV soaps cloud my judgement? NO its just a completely naff song that for some reason, spent three weeks at Number 1 back in 1986.  Nick Berry – Every Loser Wins (edit)
  12. PAUL McCARTNEY & THE FROG CHORUS – WE ALL STAND TOGETHER – When this song was released i refused to purchase it on the grounds that it was the biggest pile of c**p I had ever heard. Now, 28 years later I have listened to it again for this poll and guess what…….its still c**p!! There could of been a number of reasons for this song. Maybe Paul needed some money, maybe he was bored or maybe he just has a frog fetish. Whatever the reason we have to remember this man was one half of the greatest writing patnership in popular music (and co wrote Baa Baa Black sheep according to my daughter). So why should one quarter of the Beatles (one of the most popular bands on the planet) produce a song with a group of cartoon frogs, croaking to the tune. To say this song is awful is an understatement. Its truely dreadful! However in 1984 it managed to hop up the charts (get it? frogs…..hop……oh nevermind) to number 3 in the UK. Dont ask me how but it did. The front cover of the record has McCartney dressed as Rupert The Bear, looking at, Rupert The Bear. Paul McCartney & Frog Chorus – We All Stand Together (edit)
  13. RENEE & RENATO – SAVE YOUR LOVE – I was getting so into this poll that I forgot this gem, many thanks to a friend of mine for nominating it. (Makes me wonder if he still listens to it as most people had completely forgotten it!) In 1975 this West Midlands/Italian born singer called Renato performed on the TV talent show New Faces and caught the attention of song writer Johnny Edward. Moving on a few years, in 1982 Edward paired Renato up with a lady called Hilary Lester, she changed her name to Renee and (waving a magic wand) Renee & Renato were formed. Save Your Love was the Christmas number 1 in 1982 and spent four weeks at the top spot. In 2009 Renato died due to complications following surgery on a brain tumor. Renee (Hilary) returned to private life (no doubt embarressed by what she has left the music world) Renee & Renato – Save Your Love (edit)
  14. RUSS ABBOT – ATMOSPHERE – Russ Abbot first appeared as a drummer in the group the Black Abbots before deciding to go it alone as a comedian. He had his own comedy show and in a poll back in 2003, his “See You Jimmy” character was voted the third most scottish person…..after Iain and Jimmy Krankie!!!!!!! Russ then decided to release some songs, Oh how we wish he didnt. This effort came out in 1984 and managed to get itself to a chart position of number 7! What I find most annoying about this song is…………its got a catchy tune that once it gets in your brain you start humming it and even worse, SINGING IT! For some reason Atmosphere (I love a party with a happy Atmosphereeeeee Oh heck see what I mean) appealed to all the grannies and grandads around at the time and you would see them up on the dance floor throwing shapes and strutting their stuff. Russ these days is into serious acting (thank god) and has not released a song for years (hooray, he has seen the light). ( Oh what an Atmosphere, I love a party grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr SO ANNOYING!!!!)  Russ Abbot – Atmosphere (edit)
  15. SAMANTHA FOX – TOUCH ME (I WANT YOUR BODY) – If you dont know about Samantha Fox, here is a brief run down. She was a 16 year old page 3 girl (and very pretty she was too. She had cracking errrr ummmm eyes?), she went on to have successful singing and acting career’s as well as being a top glamour model. She dated an Australian con man, then Paul Stanley, singer with the rock band Kiss before announcing in 2003 that she had slept with women. She then said she loved her manager (Myra Stratton) and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with her…and so far, she has. There you go, the brief life of Sam Fox. Now to this song. 1986 was the year and Sam embarked on a singing career. In fairness Touch Me went to number one in 17 countries (Yes you did read that correct, I did say 17) but not in the UK, where it reached a peak of number 3. It has our Sam doing a few erotic (ish) moans and trying so hard to sing. She has sold over 30 million albums world wide (seriously you dont need to go to specsavers, I did say 30 million) and is currently working on a new album with Full Force & Steve Strange (He from Visage) Samantha Fox – Touch Me (I Want Your Body) (edit)
  16. SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK – LOVE MISSILE F1-11 – (This is hard for me……I actually like this one!!!) This song has a few things in common with Sam Fox and Touch Me. It too was in the charts in 1986 at the same time as Sam Fox plus it also peaked at number 3. However, similarities end there as the singer Martin Degville didnt have the same cracking eyes (coff) as Sam Fox. Sigue Sigue Sputnik were formed by Generation X former bass player Tony James. The band had a weird dress sense and only god knows who their barber was! The song relyed on lots of echo and sample effects (some may say to hide the fact the singer couldnt sing – remember though, I like this song so im not saying that at all). Their tours were marred by poor ticket sales and violence and singer Degville later left the band (and he claims) went on to make specialist porn films (I wonder if he had a haircut as surely his hair would have got in the way???) Sigue Sigue Sputnik – Love Missile F1-11 (edit)
  17. SINITTA – SO MACHO – Sinitta began recording in 1983, participated in “A Song For Europe” at the 1984 song heats and became Simon Cowell’s first signing. She dated Mr Cowell from 1984 (She was just 16, he was 25) until 2004, then she left Mr Cowell………….. for David Essex!! and then went on to have a two year relationship with Brad Pitt (Now Brad Pitt I can understand as he has my looks (stop laughing!!) Simon Cowell? Maybe she has a fetish for trousers pulled up really high, but David Essex????). There you go, personal life bit about Sinitta out the way. Now the song. It was her first hit single. Simon Cowell was convinced it would be a hit and after an initial poor start, he re promoted it and it went on to be a number 2 (in both senses on the word). It sold over 900,000 copies and paved the way for Sinitta’s pop career. So whats bad about it, well the lyrics, the music, even the cartoon drawing on the cover of the single which is some bloke with a gold medalion around his neck (can you tell I dislike this one?). In fairness to Sinitta she was always going to appear in this list, if this song didn’t make then her next hit “Toy Boy” would have. Sinitta – So Macho (edit)
  18. ST. WINIFRED’S SCHOOL CHOIR – THERE’S NO ONE QUITE LIKE GRANDMA – I will start off by making an admission….THIS IS MY NOMINATION!! Surely this is one of the favourites to win this poll. I just hope there is enough room on this page for me to write about the song. Ok my rant starts here. The British public were in fact pre-warned about this choir back in 1978, when they appeared on Brian & Michael’s number 1 song “Matchstalk Men & Matchstalk Cats & Dogs”. Did we learn from that? Oh no, for 2 years later they were back in the charts again. Right, lets split this into two catagories, GOOD & BAD. So whats good about this song? NOTHING! That was easy. So whats bad about this song? (Brace yourselves) a group of young school children all standing there in their school uniforms, all the girls in pink dresses little white socks (Im getting anrgy already) and to the side, a video screen showing clips of old ladies knitting and handing out sweets and stuff like that. Then there was the main singer? Dawn Ralph is her name.These days she is married with a daughter and refuses to do any interviews about her time at St Winifreds other than to say she is proud of the interesting childhood it gave her. She is probably a lovely person for all i know but there was something about her singing that really got to me…..oh yes, she had a lisp! Not just a small one, a big one. I have nothing against people who lisp, its just that when they sing, I personally, really notice it and it just gets on my nerves (Simply Red’s Mick Hucknell is another example) and unfortunately for Dawn, she had one. Next thing, I have never used the term “Grandma”, its old fashioned. I dont know anyone who uses that term anymore (Awaits messages now from half the world saying they use it) try Nan, its much better. Next moan, the music…its dire! Enough said on that matter me thinks. And then to finally top the whole thing off, it spent two weeks at number 1 in 1980/81!! HOW???????? I am proud to say that this song along with Paul McCartney’s Frog Chorus are two songs that I refused to purchase.  St Winifred’s School Choir – There’s No-One Quite Like Grandma
  19. STEVIE WONDER – I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU –  I do feel sorry for Stevie Wonder. Over the years he has made some brilliant music from the 60’s up to present day, some songs are absolute classics and yet, he has only ever had one song reach the number 1 spot in the UK singles chart (yep, even Happy Birthday only got to number 2) , THIS ONE! Stevie went blind shortly after birth but at the age of eleven, he signed for Tamala Motown Records and still records for them to this day. I Just Called To Say I Love You was originally used in the film “The Woman In Red”  and became his most commercially selling solo single. It sold over One and three quater million copies in the UK and over Four and a quarter million world wide. It went number 1 in 17 countries so why is it on this list I hear you ask? Well, its hard to explain really. Its not got the power of say, masterblaster. Its not got the danceability (have I just created a new word here?) of Uptight and it does not stretch his vocals to the limit like Sir Duke but, above all the reason I think its been nominated is…..ITS VERY VERY IRRITATING. Stevie Wonder – I Just Called To Say I Love You (edit)
  20. TWEETS – THE BIRDIE SONG – Oh my word we end in style with a song that is another one of the favourites to win this poll. This song was composed in the 50s in Switzerland and was called the Duck Dance. It has had various different names and in Germany is commonly known as the Chicken Dance because at a German festival in the US, they wanted to perform the dance in a duck costume but only a chicken costume was available and so the name stuck . Now read this bit carefully as its a frightening statistic. There are over 140 different versions of this song recorded making a combined sales figure of (You need to sit down here) 40 million!! The most popular version of the song was released in 1981 by The Tweets. In the UK alone it sold over 1.6 million records and reached number 2 in the singles chart held off first by Adam Ant and then Dave Stewart & Barbara Gaskin. The original version had lyrics but The Tweets decided to do an instrumental, this in turn meant us Brits decided to add our own lyrics and at many a party you would often hear ” A Little Bit Of This, And A Little Bit Of That, And Shake Your Bum” followed by some clapping in time with the song. In 2000 The Birdie Song was voted “The Most Annoying Song Of All Time” in a poll for the website Dotmusic. Tweets – Birdie Song (edit)

So there you have it, twenty of the worst songs from the 1980s. Many thanks for all your suggestions, and maybe on another day Bon Jovi, Rick Astley and Kylie may well have been in this list however the judging panel decided on the above as the final twenty. Now all you have to do is tell us the two you vote for stating which one you believe to be the worst song. You can leave your votes on here or add me to your facebook (search for Gary Casserley) or you can log on to the Phoenix FM chat room Mondays between 6-8pm and tell me whilst im live on air.

Remember this is just a bit of fun so no abusive messages please

Gary

Worst Song From The 80’s

Last Christmas I ran a poll to find out the worst song from the 1970’s and Phoenix FM listeners voted that to be J.J. Barrie – No Charge. This year I decided to move on a decade and find the worst song from the 80’s. Over the last month Phoenix FM listeners have been sending me suggestions and this list is compiled from the songs they suggested. I have had to put a top twenty forward as the final list, due to the fact I found it hard to only select ten songs! (Artists please note, this is a fun poll and we all at Phoenix FM appreciate your efforts and in no way wish to offend you……but come on you must agree some of these songs are bad!)

What we are going to do this year is ask you to select TWO songs from this list of twenty, stating which you think is the worst song and the one that came a close second to it. The voting will take place throughout November and the worst song will be announced during my show on Monday 3rd December.

Below  is the list of twenty songs and a small sound clip just to remind you of how bad the songs are! To listen to the clips, just double click the link at the end of the write up for each song, then double click again on the next page that comes up.

  1. ANITA DOBSON -ANYONE CAN FALL IN LOVE – Anita is an actress and appeared in the soap Eastenders playing the character Angie Watts,Landlady of the Queen Vic Pub. The Christmas 1986 episode is still the highest viewed episode of a British soap, when her on screen husband gave her divorce papers. The reason he gave her these papers could well be for what she did five months previous, for in August 1986 Anita along with the writer of the Eastenders theme tune, Simon May, released the song Anyone Can Fall In Love which was “sung” to the Eastenders theme. It was produced by Queen guitarist Brian May (I bet he is proud of this work!!) who later became her husband. So what can we say about this song? Only that Anita really should have stuck with acting and left the singing to professionals. Needless to say, she never had another hit record in the UK. Anyone Can Fall In Love reached number 4 in the UK singles chart. Anita Dobson & Simon May Orchestra – Anyone Can Fall In Love (edit)
  2. BLACK LACE – AGADOO –  Black Lace first came to fame in 1979 when they represented the United Kingdom in the Eurovision Song Contest finishing seventh with the song Mary Ann (compared to how we do in that competition now, 7th is good!). Their first party hit “Superman” made the top ten of the singles chart but Agadoo is the song they are best known for. With a dance routine that consisted of us pushing pineapples and shaking trees, this song was a classic for the 80’s mobile DJ. Unfortunatly, its not aged well and its very rare you will hear this song anymore (shame I hear you say). So what happened to Black Lace? (Just humour me please) well, Alan Barton (singer) unfortunatly was killed in a coach crash in 1995. As for Colin Gibb, hmmmmm how shall I put this, he was rumoured to have done naughty things with under aged girls, but now he lives in Tenerife with his wife and performs “The Black Lace Show” solo in Spanish clubs. Black Lace as a group are still going but have two new members. Agadoo reached Number 2 in the UK singles chart and sold over one million copies world wide. (If you listen to the clip AND start doing the dance moves then you are very, very sad)  Black Lace – Agadoo (edit)
  3. BUCKS FIZZ – MAKING YOUR MIND UP – Yet another United Kingdom Eurovision entry, however this one actually WON!!! plus the guys ripped the girls skirts off whilst performing the song, so why is it in this list? Well with their blonde hair, smiley faces and daft jumpers, Bucks Fizz were the UK’s very own ABBA, just not as good. Their pop songs were very popular through the 80’s and in a slightly different form, they still perform and record today. Bucks Fizz were formed just two months prior to the release of the single. Making Your Mind Up went to number 1 in the UK singles chart in 1981 and was one of the biggest selling songs of the year. To date, it has sold over four million copies world wide. (Makes you wonder would they have been so successful had they finished second in the Eurovision Competition)  Bucks Fizz – Making Your Mind Up (edit)
  4. CHRIS DE BURGH – THE LADY IN RED – Now in no way do i wish to influence the vote but this must stand a good chance of winning. De Burgh was inspired to write the song when remembering the first time he saw his wife (she was wearing a red dress!). Why oh why could he have not been looking at someone, or something else? It is certainly not one of De Burgh’s best vocal performances or one of his best songs (in my opinion). I must say I dont dislike Chris De Burgh and indeed I dont know him, but this song does go on a bit. It was a huge hit however, reaching number 1 not just in the UK but also four other countries. On the plus side, his daughter, Rosanna, won the Miss World competition in 2003. That has nothing to do with Lady In Red, its just that after seeing her modeling pics, I would rather look at her than listen to the song.   Chris De Burgh – The Lady In Red (edit)
  5. FIRM – STAR TREKKIN – Now, novelty songs are often selected in these polls, at the time they seem fun but they become dated very quickly plus after a few listens, they also become annoying. It seems though that this one splits people right down the middle, they either loathe it, or say its not that bad (Spitting Image – The Chicken Song came very close to being in this list as well). The song was a parody from the original TV series Star Trek with the singers pretending to be Star Trek characters and saying lines from the TV series …. BUT the Mr Spock line from the song was NEVER said in any Star Trek episode although because of this song, many people believe it was. Star Trekkin was released in 1987 and spent two weeks at number 1 in the UK singles chart. Firm – Star Trekkin’ (edit)
  6. GOOMBAY DANCE BAND – SEVEN TEARS – Now this one very nearly slipped through the net but not with Phoenix FM listeners. The Goombay Dance Band were, and still are!! the German equivalent of Boney M.Their singer Oliver Bendt swanning about with his blonde perm and warbling this dreadfull song. They scored many big hits both in Germany and around the world and in 1982 the British public decided to be kind and let them have a hit in the UK. Why oh why did we do that??? Seven Tears became huge and spent three weeks at number 1 in the singles chart. We did however learn from this lesson, and The Goombay Dance Band never had any other UK top 40 hit. If you need reminding of just how bad this song is, listen to it…..if you dare! Goombay Dance Band – Seven Tears (edit)
  7. JOE DOLCE MUSIC THEATRE – SHADDAP YOU FACE – Another novelty record but the major crime this one committed was it prevented Ultravox – Vienna from getting to number 1. Joe Dolce is an American born, Australian singer. In 1980 he wrote the song after visiting his Italian grand parents who often said things like “Whats The Matter, you?” and “Oh Shaddap” and in 1981 it eventually topped the UK charts spending three weeks at number 1. Shaddap You Face is estimated to have sold six million copies around the world. WARNING LISTENING TO THIS CLIP MAY MAKE YOU START SPEAKING IN AN ITALIAN ACCENT OR WORSE STILL……..YOU MAY START SINGING THE SONG!! (Phoenix FM accept no resposibility if this occurs) Joe Dolce – Shaddap You Face (edit)
  8. KEITH HARRIS & ORVILLE – ORVILLE’S SONG – Here is another “song” that stands a very good chance of finishing top of this poll. Keith Harris, a ventriloquist who had a TV show for eight years during the eighties and Orville the Duck, his puppet. Orville was bright green in colour and wore a nappy with a huge safety pin (as all ducks do, dont they?) In 1982, Orville decided he wanted to make it public that he wished to fly, so he recorded this record with Keith (listen kids, I hate to shatter your illusions but Orville cant speak, think or indeed fly. Dont forget, he is a puppet and that means he has to have Keith Harris hand stuck up his bum). Keith in return, then holds a conversation with Orville about the fact he cant fly and that they are friends!! (The word “Institution” springs to mind). However, to a degree Orville did manage to fly…….up the charts as he and Keith reached the lofty heights of Number 4. (I’ve just thought of how I can help Orville fly, it involves a rocket and the place Keith puts his hand!!! Bet that would work) Keith Harris & Orville – Orville’s Song (edit)
  9. LAURIE ANDERSON – O SUPERMAN – If you like your songs to have the syallable “Ha” used as two chords all the way through, lasting nearly eight and a half minutes and with the singer using a vocoder to half speak and half sing about absolutely nothing in particular, then this is the song for you. If however you find all the above mind numbingly boring, then this could pick up a few votes. Not many people had heard of Laurie Anderson until the UK public (Again in 1981. We must have been feeling depressed as Joe Dolce was no longer around!) decided to purchase this and make it a massive hit, reaching number 2 in the UK singles chart. In 2008 Anderson married singer Lou Reed. Wow he really took a Walk On The Wild Side didnt he (Ok stop groaning) Laurie Anderson – O Superman (edit)
  10. MATCHROOM MOB WITH CHAS N DAVE – SNOOKER LOOPY – Now im a nice person and dont wish to offend anyone. Steve Davis is a Phoenix FM presenter, I say to myself, I cant include this song in the list of worst songs from the 80’s. So there I am, in the studio on Monday evening and Steve walks in, tells me he was listening to the list of songs and wanted to know why his song wasnt in the list? So, not wishing to upset the great man, here goes. Chas n Dave, two cockneys who made some…..ok ish songs, plus five snooker players (Terry Griffiths, Tony Meo, Dennis Taylor, Willie Thorne & the Great Steve Davis) who, in their day, were not bad at playing snooker, but these days, they would need a zimmer to even reach the green baize (Steve Davis aside who is still a fine, fine player and all round decent chap). The song goes on to mention each of the five players in turn and something about them (The song ridicules poor Steve about missing the black in the final frame of the 1985 world championship, which Dennis Taylor won. We dont like Dennis Taylor!). It then goes on to list the coloured balls in order and how the guys pick up their sticks and start batting the balls around this green table, which has six holes in it and little craddles so as to stop the balls from falling on the floor (Think that describes the game).  If you like snooker (or your tone deaf) you may like this song however if you are of sane mind and good hearing, then you may end up voting for this one. (I included the clip with Steve Davis doing his bit as its clearly the best part of the song). Matchroom Mob with Chas N Dave – Snooker Loopy (edit)
  11. NICK BERRY – EVERY LOSER WINS – Its Wicksy!! Another Eastenders actor who decided to have a go at singing. In fairness to Nick Berry he did out do Anita Dobson as far as chart success goes. The big question with this song was if Wicksy had not performed this song week after week on Eastenders as part of a story line that he was in a band, would it have been so successful? Further more, am I being harsh on the song as the writers recieved Ivor Novello Awards for writing it! Am i letting the fact that i detest all TV soaps cloud my judgement? NO its just a completely naff song that for some reason, spent three weeks at Number 1 back in 1986.  Nick Berry – Every Loser Wins (edit)
  12. PAUL McCARTNEY & THE FROG CHORUS – WE ALL STAND TOGETHER – When this song was released i refused to purchase it on the grounds that it was the biggest pile of c**p I had ever heard. Now, 28 years later I have listened to it again for this poll and guess what…….its still c**p!! There could of been a number of reasons for this song. Maybe Paul needed some money, maybe he was bored or maybe he just has a frog fetish. Whatever the reason we have to remember this man was one half of the greatest writing patnership in popular music (and co wrote Baa Baa Black sheep according to my daughter). So why should one quarter of the Beatles (one of the most popular bands on the planet) produce a song with a group of cartoon frogs, croaking to the tune. To say this song is awful is an understatement. Its truely dreadful! However in 1984 it managed to hop up the charts (get it? frogs…..hop……oh nevermind) to number 3 in the UK. Dont ask me how but it did. The front cover of the record has McCartney dressed as Rupert The Bear, looking at, Rupert The Bear. Paul McCartney & Frog Chorus – We All Stand Together (edit)
  13. RENEE & RENATO – SAVE YOUR LOVE – I was getting so into this poll that I forgot this gem, many thanks to a friend of mine for nominating it. (Makes me wonder if he still listens to it as most people had completely forgotten it!) In 1975 this West Midlands/Italian born singer called Renato performed on the TV talent show New Faces and caught the attention of song writer Johnny Edward. Moving on a few years, in 1982 Edward paired Renato up with a lady called Hilary Lester, she changed her name to Renee and (waving a magic wand) Renee & Renato were formed. Save Your Love was the Christmas number 1 in 1982 and spent four weeks at the top spot. In 2009 Renato died due to complications following surgery on a brain tumor. Renee (Hilary) returned to private life (no doubt embarressed by what she has left the music world) Renee & Renato – Save Your Love (edit)
  14. RUSS ABBOT – ATMOSPHERE – Russ Abbot first appeared as a drummer in the group the Black Abbots before deciding to go it alone as a comedian. He had his own comedy show and in a poll back in 2003, his “See You Jimmy” character was voted the third most scottish person…..after Iain and Jimmy Krankie!!!!!!! Russ then decided to release some songs, Oh how we wish he didnt. This effort came out in 1984 and managed to get itself to a chart position of number 7! What I find most annoying about this song is…………its got a catchy tune that once it gets in your brain you start humming it and even worse, SINGING IT! For some reason Atmosphere (I love a party with a happy Atmosphereeeeee Oh heck see what I mean) appealed to all the grannies and grandads around at the time and you would see them up on the dance floor throwing shapes and strutting their stuff. Russ these days is into serious acting (thank god) and has not released a song for years (hooray, he has seen the light). ( Oh what an Atmosphere, I love a party grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr SO ANNOYING!!!!)  Russ Abbot – Atmosphere (edit)
  15. SAMANTHA FOX – TOUCH ME (I WANT YOUR BODY) – If you dont know about Samantha Fox, here is a brief run down. She was a 16 year old page 3 girl (and very pretty she was too. She had cracking errrr ummmm eyes?), she went on to have successful singing and acting career’s as well as being a top glamour model. She dated an Australian con man, then Paul Stanley, singer with the rock band Kiss before announcing in 2003 that she had slept with women. She then said she loved her manager (Myra Stratton) and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with her…and so far, she has. There you go, the brief life of Sam Fox. Now to this song. 1986 was the year and Sam embarked on a singing career. In fairness Touch Me went to number one in 17 countries (Yes you did read that correct, I did say 17) but not in the UK, where it reached a peak of number 3. It has our Sam doing a few erotic (ish) moans and trying so hard to sing. She has sold over 30 million albums world wide (seriously you dont need to go to specsavers, I did say 30 million) and is currently working on a new album with Full Force & Steve Strange (He from Visage) Samantha Fox – Touch Me (I Want Your Body) (edit)
  16. SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK – LOVE MISSILE F1-11 – (This is hard for me……I actually like this one!!!) This song has a few things in common with Sam Fox and Touch Me. It too was in the charts in 1986 at the same time as Sam Fox plus it also peaked at number 3. However, similarities end there as the singer Martin Degville didnt have the same cracking eyes (coff) as Sam Fox. Sigue Sigue Sputnik were formed by Generation X former bass player Tony James. The band had a weird dress sense and only god knows who their barber was! The song relyed on lots of echo and sample effects (some may say to hide the fact the singer couldnt sing – remember though, I like this song so im not saying that at all). Their tours were marred by poor ticket sales and violence and singer Degville later left the band (and he claims) went on to make specialist porn films (I wonder if he had a haircut as surely his hair would have got in the way???) Sigue Sigue Sputnik – Love Missile F1-11 (edit)
  17. SINITTA – SO MACHO – Sinitta began recording in 1983, participated in “A Song For Europe” at the 1984 song heats and became Simon Cowell’s first signing. She dated Mr Cowell from 1984 (She was just 16, he was 25) until 2004, then she left Mr Cowell………….. for David Essex!! and then went on to have a two year relationship with Brad Pitt (Now Brad Pitt I can understand as he has my looks (stop laughing!!) Simon Cowell? Maybe she has a fetish for trousers pulled up really high, but David Essex????). There you go, personal life bit about Sinitta out the way. Now the song. It was her first hit single. Simon Cowell was convinced it would be a hit and after an initial poor start, he re promoted it and it went on to be a number 2 (in both senses on the word). It sold over 900,000 copies and paved the way for Sinitta’s pop career. So whats bad about it, well the lyrics, the music, even the cartoon drawing on the cover of the single which is some bloke with a gold medalion around his neck (can you tell I dislike this one?). In fairness to Sinitta she was always going to appear in this list, if this song didn’t make then her next hit “Toy Boy” would have. Sinitta – So Macho (edit)
  18. ST. WINIFRED’S SCHOOL CHOIR – THERE’S NO ONE QUITE LIKE GRANDMA – I will start off by making an admission….THIS IS MY NOMINATION!! Surely this is one of the favourites to win this poll. I just hope there is enough room on this page for me to write about the song. Ok my rant starts here. The British public were in fact pre-warned about this choir back in 1978, when they appeared on Brian & Michael’s number 1 song “Matchstalk Men & Matchstalk Cats & Dogs”. Did we learn from that? Oh no, for 2 years later they were back in the charts again. Right, lets split this into two catagories, GOOD & BAD. So whats good about this song? NOTHING! That was easy. So whats bad about this song? (Brace yourselves) a group of young school children all standing there in their school uniforms, all the girls in pink dresses little white socks (Im getting anrgy already) and to the side, a video screen showing clips of old ladies knitting and handing out sweets and stuff like that. Then there was the main singer? Dawn Ralph is her name.These days she is married with a daughter and refuses to do any interviews about her time at St Winifreds other than to say she is proud of the interesting childhood it gave her. She is probably a lovely person for all i know but there was something about her singing that really got to me…..oh yes, she had a lisp! Not just a small one, a big one. I have nothing against people who lisp, its just that when they sing, I personally, really notice it and it just gets on my nerves (Simply Red’s Mick Hucknell is another example) and unfortunately for Dawn, she had one. Next thing, I have never used the term “Grandma”, its old fashioned. I dont know anyone who uses that term anymore (Awaits messages now from half the world saying they use it) try Nan, its much better. Next moan, the music…its dire! Enough said on that matter me thinks. And then to finally top the whole thing off, it spent two weeks at number 1 in 1980/81!! HOW???????? I am proud to say that this song along with Paul McCartney’s Frog Chorus are two songs that I refused to purchase.  St Winifred’s School Choir – There’s No-One Quite Like Grandma
  19. STEVIE WONDER – I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU –  I do feel sorry for Stevie Wonder. Over the years he has made some brilliant music from the 60’s up to present day, some songs are absolute classics and yet, he has only ever had one song reach the number 1 spot in the UK singles chart (yep, even Happy Birthday only got to number 2) , THIS ONE! Stevie went blind shortly after birth but at the age of eleven, he signed for Tamala Motown Records and still records for them to this day. I Just Called To Say I Love You was originally used in the film “The Woman In Red”  and became his most commercially selling solo single. It sold over One and three quater million copies in the UK and over Four and a quarter million world wide. It went number 1 in 17 countries so why is it on this list I hear you ask? Well, its hard to explain really. Its not got the power of say, masterblaster. Its not got the danceability (have I just created a new word here?) of Uptight and it does not stretch his vocals to the limit like Sir Duke but, above all the reason I think its been nominated is…..ITS VERY VERY IRRITATING. Stevie Wonder – I Just Called To Say I Love You (edit)
  20. TWEETS – THE BIRDIE SONG – Oh my word we end in style with a song that is another one of the favourites to win this poll. This song was composed in the 50s in Switzerland and was called the Duck Dance. It has had various different names and in Germany is commonly known as the Chicken Dance because at a German festival in the US, they wanted to perform the dance in a duck costume but only a chicken costume was available and so the name stuck . Now read this bit carefully as its a frightening statistic. There are over 140 different versions of this song recorded making a combined sales figure of (You need to sit down here) 40 million!! The most popular version of the song was released in 1981 by The Tweets. In the UK alone it sold over 1.6 million records and reached number 2 in the singles chart held off first by Adam Ant and then Dave Stewart & Barbara Gaskin. The original version had lyrics but The Tweets decided to do an instrumental, this in turn meant us Brits decided to add our own lyrics and at many a party you would often hear ” A Little Bit Of This, And A Little Bit Of That, And Shake Your Bum” followed by some clapping in time with the song. In 2000 The Birdie Song was voted “The Most Annoying Song Of All Time” in a poll for the website Dotmusic. Tweets – Birdie Song (edit)

So there you have it, twenty of the worst songs from the 1980s. Many thanks for all your suggestions, and maybe on another day Bon Jovi, Rick Astley and Kylie may well have been in this list however the judging panel decided on the above as the final twenty. Now all you have to do is tell us the two you vote for stating which one you believe to be the worst song. You can leave your votes on here or add me to your facebook (search for Gary Casserley) or you can log on to the Phoenix FM chat room Mondays between 6-8pm and tell me whilst im live on air.

Remember this is just a bit of fun so no abusive messages please

Gary

Worst Song From The 80’s

Last Christmas I ran a poll to find out the worst song from the 1970’s and Phoenix FM listeners voted that to be J.J. Barrie – No Charge. This year I decided to move on a decade and find the worst song from the 80’s. Over the last month Phoenix FM listeners have been sending me suggestions and this list is compiled from the songs they suggested. I have had to put a top twenty forward as the final list, due to the fact I found it hard to only select ten songs! (Artists please note, this is a fun poll and we all at Phoenix FM appreciate your efforts and in no way wish to offend you……but come on you must agree some of these songs are bad!)

What we are going to do this year is ask you to select TWO songs from this list of twenty, stating which you think is the worst song and the one that came a close second to it. The voting will take place throughout November and the worst song will be announced during my show on Monday 3rd December.

Below  is the list of twenty songs and a small sound clip just to remind you of how bad the songs are! To listen to the clips, just double click the link at the end of the write up for each song, then double click again on the next page that comes up.

  1. ANITA DOBSON -ANYONE CAN FALL IN LOVE – Anita is an actress and appeared in the soap Eastenders playing the character Angie Watts,Landlady of the Queen Vic Pub. The Christmas 1986 episode is still the highest viewed episode of a British soap, when her on screen husband gave her divorce papers. The reason he gave her these papers could well be for what she did five months previous, for in August 1986 Anita along with the writer of the Eastenders theme tune, Simon May, released the song Anyone Can Fall In Love which was “sung” to the Eastenders theme. It was produced by Queen guitarist Brian May (I bet he is proud of this work!!) who later became her husband. So what can we say about this song? Only that Anita really should have stuck with acting and left the singing to professionals. Needless to say, she never had another hit record in the UK. Anyone Can Fall In Love reached number 4 in the UK singles chart. Anita Dobson & Simon May Orchestra – Anyone Can Fall In Love (edit)
  2. BLACK LACE – AGADOO –  Black Lace first came to fame in 1979 when they represented the United Kingdom in the Eurovision Song Contest finishing seventh with the song Mary Ann (compared to how we do in that competition now, 7th is good!). Their first party hit “Superman” made the top ten of the singles chart but Agadoo is the song they are best known for. With a dance routine that consisted of us pushing pineapples and shaking trees, this song was a classic for the 80’s mobile DJ. Unfortunatly, its not aged well and its very rare you will hear this song anymore (shame I hear you say). So what happened to Black Lace? (Just humour me please) well, Alan Barton (singer) unfortunatly was killed in a coach crash in 1995. As for Colin Gibb, hmmmmm how shall I put this, he was rumoured to have done naughty things with under aged girls, but now he lives in Tenerife with his wife and performs “The Black Lace Show” solo in Spanish clubs. Black Lace as a group are still going but have two new members. Agadoo reached Number 2 in the UK singles chart and sold over one million copies world wide. (If you listen to the clip AND start doing the dance moves then you are very, very sad)  Black Lace – Agadoo (edit)
  3. BUCKS FIZZ – MAKING YOUR MIND UP – Yet another United Kingdom Eurovision entry, however this one actually WON!!! plus the guys ripped the girls skirts off whilst performing the song, so why is it in this list? Well with their blonde hair, smiley faces and daft jumpers, Bucks Fizz were the UK’s very own ABBA, just not as good. Their pop songs were very popular through the 80’s and in a slightly different form, they still perform and record today. Bucks Fizz were formed just two months prior to the release of the single. Making Your Mind Up went to number 1 in the UK singles chart in 1981 and was one of the biggest selling songs of the year. To date, it has sold over four million copies world wide. (Makes you wonder would they have been so successful had they finished second in the Eurovision Competition)  Bucks Fizz – Making Your Mind Up (edit)
  4. CHRIS DE BURGH – THE LADY IN RED – Now in no way do i wish to influence the vote but this must stand a good chance of winning. De Burgh was inspired to write the song when remembering the first time he saw his wife (she was wearing a red dress!). Why oh why could he have not been looking at someone, or something else? It is certainly not one of De Burgh’s best vocal performances or one of his best songs (in my opinion). I must say I dont dislike Chris De Burgh and indeed I dont know him, but this song does go on a bit. It was a huge hit however, reaching number 1 not just in the UK but also four other countries. On the plus side, his daughter, Rosanna, won the Miss World competition in 2003. That has nothing to do with Lady In Red, its just that after seeing her modeling pics, I would rather look at her than listen to the song.   Chris De Burgh – The Lady In Red (edit)
  5. FIRM – STAR TREKKIN – Now, novelty songs are often selected in these polls, at the time they seem fun but they become dated very quickly plus after a few listens, they also become annoying. It seems though that this one splits people right down the middle, they either loathe it, or say its not that bad (Spitting Image – The Chicken Song came very close to being in this list as well). The song was a parody from the original TV series Star Trek with the singers pretending to be Star Trek characters and saying lines from the TV series …. BUT the Mr Spock line from the song was NEVER said in any Star Trek episode although because of this song, many people believe it was. Star Trekkin was released in 1987 and spent two weeks at number 1 in the UK singles chart. Firm – Star Trekkin’ (edit)
  6. GOOMBAY DANCE BAND – SEVEN TEARS – Now this one very nearly slipped through the net but not with Phoenix FM listeners. The Goombay Dance Band were, and still are!! the German equivalent of Boney M.Their singer Oliver Bendt swanning about with his blonde perm and warbling this dreadfull song. They scored many big hits both in Germany and around the world and in 1982 the British public decided to be kind and let them have a hit in the UK. Why oh why did we do that??? Seven Tears became huge and spent three weeks at number 1 in the singles chart. We did however learn from this lesson, and The Goombay Dance Band never had any other UK top 40 hit. If you need reminding of just how bad this song is, listen to it…..if you dare! Goombay Dance Band – Seven Tears (edit)
  7. JOE DOLCE MUSIC THEATRE – SHADDAP YOU FACE – Another novelty record but the major crime this one committed was it prevented Ultravox – Vienna from getting to number 1. Joe Dolce is an American born, Australian singer. In 1980 he wrote the song after visiting his Italian grand parents who often said things like “Whats The Matter, you?” and “Oh Shaddap” and in 1981 it eventually topped the UK charts spending three weeks at number 1. Shaddap You Face is estimated to have sold six million copies around the world. WARNING LISTENING TO THIS CLIP MAY MAKE YOU START SPEAKING IN AN ITALIAN ACCENT OR WORSE STILL……..YOU MAY START SINGING THE SONG!! (Phoenix FM accept no resposibility if this occurs) Joe Dolce – Shaddap You Face (edit)
  8. KEITH HARRIS & ORVILLE – ORVILLE’S SONG – Here is another “song” that stands a very good chance of finishing top of this poll. Keith Harris, a ventriloquist who had a TV show for eight years during the eighties and Orville the Duck, his puppet. Orville was bright green in colour and wore a nappy with a huge safety pin (as all ducks do, dont they?) In 1982, Orville decided he wanted to make it public that he wished to fly, so he recorded this record with Keith (listen kids, I hate to shatter your illusions but Orville cant speak, think or indeed fly. Dont forget, he is a puppet and that means he has to have Keith Harris hand stuck up his bum). Keith in return, then holds a conversation with Orville about the fact he cant fly and that they are friends!! (The word “Institution” springs to mind). However, to a degree Orville did manage to fly…….up the charts as he and Keith reached the lofty heights of Number 4. (I’ve just thought of how I can help Orville fly, it involves a rocket and the place Keith puts his hand!!! Bet that would work) Keith Harris & Orville – Orville’s Song (edit)
  9. LAURIE ANDERSON – O SUPERMAN – If you like your songs to have the syallable “Ha” used as two chords all the way through, lasting nearly eight and a half minutes and with the singer using a vocoder to half speak and half sing about absolutely nothing in particular, then this is the song for you. If however you find all the above mind numbingly boring, then this could pick up a few votes. Not many people had heard of Laurie Anderson until the UK public (Again in 1981. We must have been feeling depressed as Joe Dolce was no longer around!) decided to purchase this and make it a massive hit, reaching number 2 in the UK singles chart. In 2008 Anderson married singer Lou Reed. Wow he really took a Walk On The Wild Side didnt he (Ok stop groaning) Laurie Anderson – O Superman (edit)
  10. MATCHROOM MOB WITH CHAS N DAVE – SNOOKER LOOPY – Now im a nice person and dont wish to offend anyone. Steve Davis is a Phoenix FM presenter, I say to myself, I cant include this song in the list of worst songs from the 80’s. So there I am, in the studio on Monday evening and Steve walks in, tells me he was listening to the list of songs and wanted to know why his song wasnt in the list? So, not wishing to upset the great man, here goes. Chas n Dave, two cockneys who made some…..ok ish songs, plus five snooker players (Terry Griffiths, Tony Meo, Dennis Taylor, Willie Thorne & the Great Steve Davis) who, in their day, were not bad at playing snooker, but these days, they would need a zimmer to even reach the green baize (Steve Davis aside who is still a fine, fine player and all round decent chap). The song goes on to mention each of the five players in turn and something about them (The song ridicules poor Steve about missing the black in the final frame of the 1985 world championship, which Dennis Taylor won. We dont like Dennis Taylor!). It then goes on to list the coloured balls in order and how the guys pick up their sticks and start batting the balls around this green table, which has six holes in it and little craddles so as to stop the balls from falling on the floor (Think that describes the game).  If you like snooker (or your tone deaf) you may like this song however if you are of sane mind and good hearing, then you may end up voting for this one. (I included the clip with Steve Davis doing his bit as its clearly the best part of the song). Matchroom Mob with Chas N Dave – Snooker Loopy (edit)
  11. NICK BERRY – EVERY LOSER WINS – Its Wicksy!! Another Eastenders actor who decided to have a go at singing. In fairness to Nick Berry he did out do Anita Dobson as far as chart success goes. The big question with this song was if Wicksy had not performed this song week after week on Eastenders as part of a story line that he was in a band, would it have been so successful? Further more, am I being harsh on the song as the writers recieved Ivor Novello Awards for writing it! Am i letting the fact that i detest all TV soaps cloud my judgement? NO its just a completely naff song that for some reason, spent three weeks at Number 1 back in 1986.  Nick Berry – Every Loser Wins (edit)
  12. PAUL McCARTNEY & THE FROG CHORUS – WE ALL STAND TOGETHER – When this song was released i refused to purchase it on the grounds that it was the biggest pile of c**p I had ever heard. Now, 28 years later I have listened to it again for this poll and guess what…….its still c**p!! There could of been a number of reasons for this song. Maybe Paul needed some money, maybe he was bored or maybe he just has a frog fetish. Whatever the reason we have to remember this man was one half of the greatest writing patnership in popular music (and co wrote Baa Baa Black sheep according to my daughter). So why should one quarter of the Beatles (one of the most popular bands on the planet) produce a song with a group of cartoon frogs, croaking to the tune. To say this song is awful is an understatement. Its truely dreadful! However in 1984 it managed to hop up the charts (get it? frogs…..hop……oh nevermind) to number 3 in the UK. Dont ask me how but it did. The front cover of the record has McCartney dressed as Rupert The Bear, looking at, Rupert The Bear. Paul McCartney & Frog Chorus – We All Stand Together (edit)
  13. RENEE & RENATO – SAVE YOUR LOVE – I was getting so into this poll that I forgot this gem, many thanks to a friend of mine for nominating it. (Makes me wonder if he still listens to it as most people had completely forgotten it!) In 1975 this West Midlands/Italian born singer called Renato performed on the TV talent show New Faces and caught the attention of song writer Johnny Edward. Moving on a few years, in 1982 Edward paired Renato up with a lady called Hilary Lester, she changed her name to Renee and (waving a magic wand) Renee & Renato were formed. Save Your Love was the Christmas number 1 in 1982 and spent four weeks at the top spot. In 2009 Renato died due to complications following surgery on a brain tumor. Renee (Hilary) returned to private life (no doubt embarressed by what she has left the music world) Renee & Renato – Save Your Love (edit)
  14. RUSS ABBOT – ATMOSPHERE – Russ Abbot first appeared as a drummer in the group the Black Abbots before deciding to go it alone as a comedian. He had his own comedy show and in a poll back in 2003, his “See You Jimmy” character was voted the third most scottish person…..after Iain and Jimmy Krankie!!!!!!! Russ then decided to release some songs, Oh how we wish he didnt. This effort came out in 1984 and managed to get itself to a chart position of number 7! What I find most annoying about this song is…………its got a catchy tune that once it gets in your brain you start humming it and even worse, SINGING IT! For some reason Atmosphere (I love a party with a happy Atmosphereeeeee Oh heck see what I mean) appealed to all the grannies and grandads around at the time and you would see them up on the dance floor throwing shapes and strutting their stuff. Russ these days is into serious acting (thank god) and has not released a song for years (hooray, he has seen the light). ( Oh what an Atmosphere, I love a party grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr SO ANNOYING!!!!)  Russ Abbot – Atmosphere (edit)
  15. SAMANTHA FOX – TOUCH ME (I WANT YOUR BODY) – If you dont know about Samantha Fox, here is a brief run down. She was a 16 year old page 3 girl (and very pretty she was too. She had cracking errrr ummmm eyes?), she went on to have successful singing and acting career’s as well as being a top glamour model. She dated an Australian con man, then Paul Stanley, singer with the rock band Kiss before announcing in 2003 that she had slept with women. She then said she loved her manager (Myra Stratton) and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with her…and so far, she has. There you go, the brief life of Sam Fox. Now to this song. 1986 was the year and Sam embarked on a singing career. In fairness Touch Me went to number one in 17 countries (Yes you did read that correct, I did say 17) but not in the UK, where it reached a peak of number 3. It has our Sam doing a few erotic (ish) moans and trying so hard to sing. She has sold over 30 million albums world wide (seriously you dont need to go to specsavers, I did say 30 million) and is currently working on a new album with Full Force & Steve Strange (He from Visage) Samantha Fox – Touch Me (I Want Your Body) (edit)
  16. SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK – LOVE MISSILE F1-11 – (This is hard for me……I actually like this one!!!) This song has a few things in common with Sam Fox and Touch Me. It too was in the charts in 1986 at the same time as Sam Fox plus it also peaked at number 3. However, similarities end there as the singer Martin Degville didnt have the same cracking eyes (coff) as Sam Fox. Sigue Sigue Sputnik were formed by Generation X former bass player Tony James. The band had a weird dress sense and only god knows who their barber was! The song relyed on lots of echo and sample effects (some may say to hide the fact the singer couldnt sing – remember though, I like this song so im not saying that at all). Their tours were marred by poor ticket sales and violence and singer Degville later left the band (and he claims) went on to make specialist porn films (I wonder if he had a haircut as surely his hair would have got in the way???) Sigue Sigue Sputnik – Love Missile F1-11 (edit)
  17. SINITTA – SO MACHO – Sinitta began recording in 1983, participated in “A Song For Europe” at the 1984 song heats and became Simon Cowell’s first signing. She dated Mr Cowell from 1984 (She was just 16, he was 25) until 2004, then she left Mr Cowell………….. for David Essex!! and then went on to have a two year relationship with Brad Pitt (Now Brad Pitt I can understand as he has my looks (stop laughing!!) Simon Cowell? Maybe she has a fetish for trousers pulled up really high, but David Essex????). There you go, personal life bit about Sinitta out the way. Now the song. It was her first hit single. Simon Cowell was convinced it would be a hit and after an initial poor start, he re promoted it and it went on to be a number 2 (in both senses on the word). It sold over 900,000 copies and paved the way for Sinitta’s pop career. So whats bad about it, well the lyrics, the music, even the cartoon drawing on the cover of the single which is some bloke with a gold medalion around his neck (can you tell I dislike this one?). In fairness to Sinitta she was always going to appear in this list, if this song didn’t make then her next hit “Toy Boy” would have. Sinitta – So Macho (edit)
  18. ST. WINIFRED’S SCHOOL CHOIR – THERE’S NO ONE QUITE LIKE GRANDMA – I will start off by making an admission….THIS IS MY NOMINATION!! Surely this is one of the favourites to win this poll. I just hope there is enough room on this page for me to write about the song. Ok my rant starts here. The British public were in fact pre-warned about this choir back in 1978, when they appeared on Brian & Michael’s number 1 song “Matchstalk Men & Matchstalk Cats & Dogs”. Did we learn from that? Oh no, for 2 years later they were back in the charts again. Right, lets split this into two catagories, GOOD & BAD. So whats good about this song? NOTHING! That was easy. So whats bad about this song? (Brace yourselves) a group of young school children all standing there in their school uniforms, all the girls in pink dresses little white socks (Im getting anrgy already) and to the side, a video screen showing clips of old ladies knitting and handing out sweets and stuff like that. Then there was the main singer? Dawn Ralph is her name.These days she is married with a daughter and refuses to do any interviews about her time at St Winifreds other than to say she is proud of the interesting childhood it gave her. She is probably a lovely person for all i know but there was something about her singing that really got to me…..oh yes, she had a lisp! Not just a small one, a big one. I have nothing against people who lisp, its just that when they sing, I personally, really notice it and it just gets on my nerves (Simply Red’s Mick Hucknell is another example) and unfortunately for Dawn, she had one. Next thing, I have never used the term “Grandma”, its old fashioned. I dont know anyone who uses that term anymore (Awaits messages now from half the world saying they use it) try Nan, its much better. Next moan, the music…its dire! Enough said on that matter me thinks. And then to finally top the whole thing off, it spent two weeks at number 1 in 1980/81!! HOW???????? I am proud to say that this song along with Paul McCartney’s Frog Chorus are two songs that I refused to purchase.  St Winifred’s School Choir – There’s No-One Quite Like Grandma
  19. STEVIE WONDER – I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU –  I do feel sorry for Stevie Wonder. Over the years he has made some brilliant music from the 60’s up to present day, some songs are absolute classics and yet, he has only ever had one song reach the number 1 spot in the UK singles chart (yep, even Happy Birthday only got to number 2) , THIS ONE! Stevie went blind shortly after birth but at the age of eleven, he signed for Tamala Motown Records and still records for them to this day. I Just Called To Say I Love You was originally used in the film “The Woman In Red”  and became his most commercially selling solo single. It sold over One and three quater million copies in the UK and over Four and a quarter million world wide. It went number 1 in 17 countries so why is it on this list I hear you ask? Well, its hard to explain really. Its not got the power of say, masterblaster. Its not got the danceability (have I just created a new word here?) of Uptight and it does not stretch his vocals to the limit like Sir Duke but, above all the reason I think its been nominated is…..ITS VERY VERY IRRITATING. Stevie Wonder – I Just Called To Say I Love You (edit)
  20. TWEETS – THE BIRDIE SONG – Oh my word we end in style with a song that is another one of the favourites to win this poll. This song was composed in the 50s in Switzerland and was called the Duck Dance. It has had various different names and in Germany is commonly known as the Chicken Dance because at a German festival in the US, they wanted to perform the dance in a duck costume but only a chicken costume was available and so the name stuck . Now read this bit carefully as its a frightening statistic. There are over 140 different versions of this song recorded making a combined sales figure of (You need to sit down here) 40 million!! The most popular version of the song was released in 1981 by The Tweets. In the UK alone it sold over 1.6 million records and reached number 2 in the singles chart held off first by Adam Ant and then Dave Stewart & Barbara Gaskin. The original version had lyrics but The Tweets decided to do an instrumental, this in turn meant us Brits decided to add our own lyrics and at many a party you would often hear ” A Little Bit Of This, And A Little Bit Of That, And Shake Your Bum” followed by some clapping in time with the song. In 2000 The Birdie Song was voted “The Most Annoying Song Of All Time” in a poll for the website Dotmusic. Tweets – Birdie Song (edit)

So there you have it, twenty of the worst songs from the 1980s. Many thanks for all your suggestions, and maybe on another day Bon Jovi, Rick Astley and Kylie may well have been in this list however the judging panel decided on the above as the final twenty. Now all you have to do is tell us the two you vote for stating which one you believe to be the worst song. You can leave your votes on here or add me to your facebook (search for Gary Casserley) or you can log on to the Phoenix FM chat room Mondays between 6-8pm and tell me whilst im live on air.

Remember this is just a bit of fun so no abusive messages please

Gary

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